HOW PSYCHOLOGICAL TRAUMA FROM CHILDHOOD RUIN OUR LIVES
As adults, we try to forget our childhood experiences and problems. But they are reminiscent of themselves for a long time and can spoil our lives for more than a decade.
Of course, it is impossible to change the past, but it can be looked at differently, more thoughtfully, and understood. But sometimes you can even benefit from it.
Correcting childhood problems in adulthood can be difficult and painful. So much so that many choose another solution to the problem – simply blame the parents for everything.
“You were only busy with yourself, I only saw you on holidays, but now you want me to create a happy family? I don’t know what that means!”
These kinds of claims are true, because we gained about 90 percent of what we have in adulthood in early childhood.
And it is parents who handle our character, our outlook on life, our ability to build relationships with people and more.
The example of parents has a powerful influence since childhood – largely unconsciously, but strongly. That is why we are very grateful to our parents for our talents, success in any area of life, achievements.
But who is to blame for the failures? They too. And yet you shouldn’t blame your parents for ruining your life. First, it will not be easier.
Besides all the problems, there will be a general feeling of guilt and tension in the relationship. Second, adults are therefore adults to deal with all problems on their own. Even with those that arose in childhood.
Insufficient love in childhood
Young children do not know the word “love” and do not understand its laws. But they are very sensitive and can even get sick if they do not receive warmth, tenderness and genuine attraction from the surrounding adults.
For infants, this emotional deprivation (inadequacy) – when adults simply follow all the procedures when caring for a child without being invested in communication – can be devastating.
This can even lead to the baby being hospitalized – a health condition similar to that experienced by adults. The child loses interest in the world around him and does not even cry, knowing that no one will come anyway.
As one grows, man tries to fill the lack of love. Both men and women are looking for someone who will not only love them, but adore them.
It can take years to restore the balance of feelings for an unloved child. Another problem – relationships with your children. A girl who has experienced a lack of love from her mother risks not becoming a good mother.
She may not have enough tenderness, patience, caress to give to her child.
We can prevent this by returning to childhood and giving that little child what he deserved – the unlimited love of an adult.
Now there is definitely such an adult – you yourself. Take a photo of your childhood days, remember your feelings in different situations and say in the most touching and gentle words what you needed then.
But still – embrace your loved ones as often as possible. Body contact – hugs, caresses, simple touches – creates a truly healing effect, strengthening the basic sense of trust in the world, improving physical and mental well-being.
Even very loving parents can shout at a child, jerk him by the hand, or even forget to take him out of kindergarten in time. Dad thought mom would take it, but mom thought dad.
But the little child, listening to the steps in the stairwell, thinks that they will never pick him up. Children are emotional beings, they cannot look at the situation in the abstract and judge logically.
And moments when they have been offended by their parents are remembered very well – in all color schemes, personal feelings. And that’s why it is difficult to divorce parents, even in adulthood.
Although it’s awkward to talk about your mother dressing you 30 years ago in a dress that the entire class laughed at.
What is the danger of such resentment? First, with communication problems. It will not have openness, honesty, warmth – everything you need to feel confident and comfortable.
There may be conflicts – even if you have consciously decided that it makes little sense to remember the old days.
Do the opposite?
The problem for people who have experienced childhood abuse is that they are too protective of their own children.
I will never act like my parents;
My child will have no reason to be offended;
I know for myself how severe it is, and I will not do it to my child …
To be honest, sometimes such a belief does not benefit the child. No matter how cruel it may seem, the child must also know what disappointment and resentment are.
It helps him prepare for real life, teaches him to “work” with his own feelings. There is nothing terrible if a child experiences resentment, the chief thing is for him to be sure of your love for him.
We should not keep insults to ourselves. If there is no proper opportunity to talk to your parents (or you think they will not understand such a conversation adequately), use the psychodrama method.
You say everything you think in your own name, but then answer yourself instead of your parents. You can talk about anything that comes to mind.
From experience – a few “sessions” will be enough to learn all the circumstances, understand the parents, and forgive completely. Although, of course, the more complicated the situation, the more work.
Children ‘s feeling of inferiority
It is present in all children and is an integral factor in development. Seeing that adults are much stronger, more capable, smarter, the child wants to become the same.
As adults, such children can walk two paths. The first is to do nothing and follow the parents’ instructions regarding choosing a profession and personal life.
The second is to constantly try to get rid of the feeling of inferiority, proving to everyone that “I can”. But even achievements do not give a sense of self-confidence if we have not brought it up in childhood.
Often in his efforts a person comes to a nervous breakdown, not being able to relax and stop for a short time.
And it does not matter what sphere of activity a person is worried about – profession or personal life. People with low self-esteem also often have outrageous demands on their own children.
Parents can do everything for the child: move to another city, leave their career, deal only with the child, literally day and night.
They (or one parent) finally have the feeling that it is important, fully able to realize themselves. But, behold, it is not so easy for a child to realize another’s imagination.
We must combat the feeling of inferiority, otherwise it can persist for life, changing not only lifestyle but also character.
At the beginning, just say thank you (in your mind) to those who “put it in the cradle” for you – because thanks to them, you developed qualities such as perseverance and determination.
Then – learn to evaluate your achievements and simply yourself, without achievements. Can distinguish when criticism addressed to you is constructive, but when it is simply manipulation.
Constructive, of course, must be appreciated, but behold, we must fight manipulation with all our might. Just do not interfere emotionally, react only to words.
“Yes, I really can’t do everything I plan,”
“We’re not perfect, everyone has their flaws,”
“Maybe it’s worth thinking about,”
These should be your answers to criticism.
People who criticize us just to spoil our moods or make us angry will quickly lose interest in such a conversation – especially if you answer them in a good and slightly ironic tone.
And our children will get a good example: the sooner they learn that not all reprimands should be taken seriously, the better.
Disputes, divorces, remarriages – the child cannot be indifferent to all this. Even – when there are people who are ready to care and always love.
Children still suffer, experience fear because they do not know what to expect tomorrow. They are guilty because, in their egocentrism, children mistakenly admit that they are to blame for such a situation in the family.
When the family has not understood everything for years, when disputes have become an integral part of everyday life, but adults, without being shy about discussing each other’s shortcomings, the words “family” and “problem” become synonymous in the child’s sense.
As adults, this is the attitude they marry. And it turns out that we passed many problems down from generation to generation.
Even those who were convinced that they would never behave like parents start unconsciously repeating the same actions towards others at a certain age.
Change the scenario
Children who have experienced parental divorce are much more likely to experience divorce in adulthood.
We can find and remedy those who have already seen in childhood that compromises in any situation will live much more harmonious in their partnership.
Those who have witnessed scandals organized by their parents many times as children also do not hide their dissatisfaction with each other in the presence of children.
And expectations from married life are very similar to what they observed in their childhood.
However, we can change the negative. Imagine your future life, then specific events, and then time.
If you have noticed anything superfluous in your ideas (distrust, problems with the child’s behavior or learning, divorce, loneliness), then turn it off immediately.
Put in the vacant place all the best you can wish for yourself. It may seem like a pointless pastime, but in reality such dreaming is one of the positive methods of psychotherapy.
Psychologists cannot precisely explain how our thoughts and scenarios materialize, but there is ample evidence that the method described above works.
If, when thinking about the future, you have imagined the difficulties with the child and expect that he will “be an exact copy of his terrible father” most likely, it will be.
So, definitely outline a more attractive course of events – one that has a good relationship, success and happiness in the family.