Problems in relationships that are ignored or withheld “come up early or late”. In the heat of the dispute, you can tell the other what you later regret.
Sometimes fear or pride does not allow you to communicate your needs clearly. Often longer after a divorce, a person understands what he had done, and how he could have dealt with the problem.
Here are the lessons of the women after the divorce that they would have done differently with today’s vision.
The findings have been compiled by the Huffington Post.
I’m sorry I didn’t ask for help when I needed it
Remembering my ex-husband, I regret being silent when I felt I could not cope and needed help. We were recently married at the time and our daughter was born.
As a new mother and wife, I follow the stereotypes and expectations of society. I felt like I had to be perfect, take care of the kids, the home and the cooking, and look like a model.
I burned out because I asked too much of myself. I filed for divorce, thinking that I could escape the stress for which I am creating favorable conditions.
I was angry and offended by a man who didn’t understand what was going on. Now I realize I needed to ask for help. If I had explained my experiences to him, I would have been able to save our family life.
Victoria, 33 years old.
I didn’t get enough clarity with myself before I got married
It would have been valuable to get to know yourself better and learn to appreciate yourself, to be clear about feelings of loneliness.
If I had not hurried, I would have married, feeling strong and full of hope, not fear and helplessness. I understand that at 20 and 30; we choose partners according to different criteria, as at 40.
Maria, 38 years old.
I didn’t have the courage to end it sooner
I have suffered an unacceptable situation for too long. After the wedding, the husband changed his view of what our relationship should be like.
We argued all the time. I didn’t have the courage and understanding to acknowledge the problem and start something. I refused to accept the truth about the unhappy family life, and in the end we both suffered.
Anna, 36 years old.
I didn’t realize that I was more than just a wife
For me, his physical touches and a pleasant time together were more important, but for him – support in words and deeds.
I was not independent. I created the dynamics of an unhealthy relationship, believing that a man is more important than me.
Instead of building a career and a passion for a hobby, I grew up with the role of a wife. All my self-confidence as a woman and a man depended on it.
I can’t recognize the unhealthy in a relationship in time because I gave myself completely to the other.
Emma, 23 years old.
I do not take responsibility
I do not think enough about responsibility. I’m looking for culprits and don’t think I can change my own behavior.
In part, we can attribute this to youth and still lack of maturity – at that time, I did not yet realize that I could not continue to hold others accountable for my happiness.
After a divorce, life would become ideal, because the problem was with my husband. I did not realize that marital relationships can develop cyclically, and it is worth making more of an effort to solve problems.
Divorce became a disaster for children, and that’s why I regret it.
Lisa, 28 years old.
I could not always exist for myself
I needed to be more active about myself until the problems started. I succumbed to disputes, had experiences in myself, and cared for each other’s needs.
Now I have become stronger than ten years ago. I did otherwise in my second marriage. I stand up for my rights because I deserve it.
Nicola, 37 years old.
I did not learn to understand the language of his love
I couldn’t love him the way he wanted to. After a divorce, I learnt about five languages of love. For me, his physical touches and a pleasant time together were more important, but for him – support in words and deeds.
Because of our different language of love, we had conflicts. I wanted to go for a walk after lunch, but it was more important for him to have the dishes removed and washed.
When the children fell asleep, I wanted to lie down on the couch, putting my head on his feet, but he wanted to collect the little things and hear words of thanks for it.
We felt and expressed feelings of love in different ways. When he did what seemed important to him, he heard criticism from me, while he longed for support and acceptance to feel loved.
Julia, 32 years old.
I couldn’t maintain a sense of independence
I gave myself to husband and the relationship everything I had. I often indulged in him to strengthen our marriage. In the end, it shattered not only me but also the foundations of our relationship.
You cannot become what others want you to see until you meet your needs. If I could go back in time, I would pay more attention to myself.
Carolina, 29 years old.