Why do people get attached
Keep things at arm’s length… If you let anything come too near you want to hold on to it. And there is nothing a man can hold on to.
― Erich Maria Remarque,Three Comrades
We regularly hear phrases or words such as “the ability to let go”, “don’t get attached”, “to let go” – because we were too attached.
At least that’s what people say. Although attachment is a natural expression of instinct, that’s how we were created. Time to introduce a little more clarity.
What determines how strongly we attach to something (or maybe we are afraid to attach)?
Getting attached to different things
The shortest answer to the question posed in the introduction could be – experience. Attachment is closely related to the childhood, the attachment that the baby develops with his parents, primarily with his mother.
We have identified three basic models of attachment through research:
As we understand it, we consider the first option to be the most successful option, so both the baby’s physiological and emotional needs are met to the maximum.
Here are some signs that an adult has had a secure attachment:
- Not so easy to manipulate;
- Can ask for help when it is really needed, or to choose things and situations that are really needed to feel better as a social being;
- There is no emotional starvation, there are so many internal resources left that can help others, but to a certain extent, so as not to lower the other’s potential to act.
Parents deal with physiological needs (first level) half as well, but cracks appear at the second level, which is characterized by the need for security.
This affects the third level, by which we understand the need for love and belonging.
Insecurity, fear, attachment are a consequence of the child not receiving a feeling in the early stages of life, an assurance that the world can be trusted, his needs are considered when telling what he feels, these emotions, feelings and reactions are fully accepted.
As a teenager, if everything was in order with internal security and self-confidence, a person slowly realizes – now I am a support for myself, the one who encourages, because I have received it all before.
Growing up, he goes into a world where he can easily deal with fear, anxiety, calm himself, find a way out, forgive mistakes, because he has experienced how it is, he has had it all.
In contrast, an adult who carries a childhood injury is looking for a place to “connect” with the thought, “I need to get it back!” Someone will choose intoxicants, another – another person.
We could extend this list to include status, material matters, yesterday, today, tomorrow, and so on. – everyone has something of their own, arising from the value system.
It can get comfortable
A person can be addicted not only to alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, gambling … Addiction can also be to another person, relationships, status, self-improvement procedures, etc.
Addictions are a resource outside of me that can provide temporary or permanent distraction from hidden, unexperienced or incomprehensible and unconscious internal problems, pain, fear, panic.
They can be justified and can be imaginary fears. Attaching a person and making one’s life dependent on another is also a kind of drug.
Attachment arises from disbelief in oneself, from lack of contact with oneself, from a lack of experience, which means an emotionally close, trusting and open relationship, and from constant anxiety.
Any attachment proves that I am not a resource for myself, but the people, things and circumstances on which my life depends in the outside world.
It is not I who manages the situation, but I am managed. And to lead myself, I have to know myself.
In addition, you not only need to know but also be able to honestly answer awkward questions or admit not flattering things – maybe it is actually very convenient to be addicted, because there are secondary benefits that you would get from it.
A desperate attachment to one’s many needs to fill an inner unrest, a tendency for substances to escape from reality, may be a sign that the attachment pattern has been precarious – anxious.
But not the only one. A person can be extremely demanding, creepy, more easily irritated – we can describe this as a little feeling of the abyss – is not enough to satisfy emotional hunger.
There are no internal resources that help us perceive and experience more calmly the fact that they once deprived us of something.
We can always ask: why is there not enough strength to downplay the need for attachment, even though we know well that it is a legacy of the past that no longer helps today?
Anything can happen in life, we cannot control everything. If we panic because of this, it becomes clear that the anatomy of attachment, as you say, is moving towards wanting the impossible.
Constantly experiencing frustration because we are too attached to subjective needs, the energy of frustration accumulates.
Figuratively speaking, this lack of security howls like a dog for a month, and we expect someone else to take responsibility for the inner emptiness and soothe the fear of remaining vulnerable, the fear of what will happen to me if there is no one who belongs today.
Insight into yourself requires maturity – not just from passport data, but inner confidence. Willingness to face a very wide range of emotions.
There, in the depths, not everything is as pleasant and nice as we tend to show out there, there can dwell mental pain associated with anger, denial, misunderstanding, sadness.
That’s why we often choose not to talk about deep things, because it’s scary. But what to do if you realize that something is really wrong and you want to flirt with your affection?
One of the most important questions to ask yourself might be: what am I willing to do for my emotional self-care?
It doesn’t mean setting new goals and demanding the impossible in a hectic race at all costs, but trying to make choices for your well-being, not because someone else in your place has already figured out how to live.
Start managing your life better. It would be no less valuable to understand what it is possible to deal with on your own when help is needed and how you would like to receive it – be it a companion or information, or something else.
With support that awakens and lights the road, it’s easier than loneliness.
There are many ways to work with emotions and reactions, and we cannot say that one technique is better or worse than another – it all depends on the person.
However, for problems of attachment and the means and opportunities allow yourself to go to a psychotherapist for help when going on a self-study path.
Therapy is an excellent opportunity to gain the important experience that was missing in childhood – to understand, to feel how emotionally open and close relationships are formed, the connection that naturally develops up to a certain stage between the therapist and the client.
We cannot give or share what we have not known and felt ourselves. Seeking help with the goal of living my life in the most harmonious way is one way I take responsibility.
About yourself and your life. To take responsibility you must first be able to analyze your past life, but with one condition – without looking for culprits and without trial.
Techniques to reduce internal anxiety on your own
Step in the fog
This is a great practice for finding out the cause of anxiety. Sit down, close your eyes and imagine that you are standing, surrounded by thick fog. You can’t even see your fingertips!
Try stretching your arms to one side. How does it feel? Go a small step further, even deeper into the fog. Imagine what might be behind this fog, try to feel what could hide there.
Smooth path or deep gorge? Maybe there’s an enemy? Maybe a benefactor? For a peaceful person, this situation will simply be exploratory, while a troubled person will have powerful emotions that can be defined.
You will know for sure. You can say to yourself, “I’ll get along, I’ll get along, everything will be fine, everything will be fine.” There will be parts that will slowly subside because, like I had just imagined, I’m not at all afraid of uncertainty.
Or, on the contrary, I like uncertainty, it’s cool here! And there will be parts that will activate. Maybe it turns out that I’m actually like a little kid who needs a mom to tell me what to do now?
Need to call and ask for advice from your guru? Oh, can’t I take a step forward without a husband? Revelations can be varied.
Cultivation of gratitude
It can be useful in moments of weakness, when a feeling of inadequacy takes over and we list everything that is currently lacking.
To give meaning to what is, not to moan about how I do not have, and so to say: “I HAVE …” which has not been worn for a long time, and rejoice that I have it.
This tactic is very helpful in landing, keeping in touch with reality.
Choose to be on the light side
This is the right time to stay with people who can keep vibrations light enough, perceive things easier, and maintain faith in the bright.
Deliberately avoiding hatred, anger-ridden people trying to find the culprits will not be selfish, but will mean taking responsibility for yourself. Provides support.
It shows how big we really are, if we can support and calm even one person, share a piece of bread, a smile.
Caress your dog or cat – the longer the better
One of the best treatments with the help of a cat or dog is caressing an animal.
In this way, you can get rid of psychological tension, stress and improve overall well-being. The four-legged friend expresses unconditional acceptance.
Become an active observer as you go for a walk
Not actively thinking your thoughts, but watching what is going on around you and your body. Breathe calmly, deeply. Let there be activity around, but in the mind … emptiness!
Like a storm in the eye – absolute peace. By the way, very similar practices can be implemented if you are at home and need an abrupt break.
You can set a time count on your phone, for example, five minutes, and say,
So, dear mind, I’m giving you those five minutes to rest. I’m not invested in the scenes you’re showing me, and I don’t take those thoughts as important.
At first it may even seem shocking. Free mind means that there is room for additional information.
No, no, you don’t have to be an artist, you can draw anything – pictures, letters, just draw scribbles – what comes to mind. Writing helps well. Put your feelings on paper, but do not beautify anything, write exactly as it is.
Being in nature
Helps to regain what we naturally planted in us. It is an environment that perfectly understands the body, helps to get rid of negative energy.
Another way to bring particles into a natural home and get rid of the contaminants is with warm foot baths. For this purpose you need a deep bowl – so you can stand on your feet.
Fill the bowl with warm water, add salt and essential oils to taste. Soak your feet and imagine how fear, anxiety and other negative emotions meet in the bowl.
Then, without touching the water, pour the contents of the bowl into the toilet.
Make love tangible
People themselves show what talent each of us has, that is one way in which our resources want to go into the world.
Allow yourself to be creative and believe that what we make with love will be needed by someone who will want to buy that fruit of your love.
It helps to increase self-confidence. Knowing yourself as a valuable person, there is no need to fall into addiction.
Besides, finding a form through which you can easily transform love in the world sounds less catchy than finding a hobby, doesn’t it?